24 Week (Weak) News Cycle

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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 283
Local Nazi "Kind Of A Dickhead".

--USA Today--

A local nazi has been labelled as "kind of a dickhead" by his neighbours. "His whole Hitler thing? I mean, fucken hell, come on" said one neighbor. "It's bordering on obsessive. I mean, look at Hitler's life. I mean, if you really look at it, as an overall body of work, the guy was hardly faultless. In fact, I'm going to come right out and say it; some of the decisions Hitler made during his life, in the cold light of day, have to be viewed as very, very questionable. Plus, ol' Adolf kind of played favourites there. Everyone just wants fairness and consistency but, with Hitler, if you were white with blonde hair, oh yeah, great guy or gal. But if you weren't? That's when you'd see his dark side. I think Hitler had a really dark side to his character. Plus, and I hate to be a nazi here, but the local nazi guy around here does a really shitty job of separating his trash."

Local nazi guy: fucked up trash.

Another neighbor complained over the local nazi's weaponry arsenal. "Every time you talk to him, over the fence or whatever, it's all AK-this and semi-Glock that. I don't even know what he's talking about. Are they gun names? Did he ever stop to think that not all people share his level of interest in certain specific marginalized hobbies? He could do a bit better at reading the air. People have different fields of interest, you know?"

Local nazi guy: poor at incorporating the feelings of others.

Aug 25, 2017 10:45 AM
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Posts: 283
Korean Teens Pimp Out Their Grannies For Booze Money.

--Seoul Times--

Reports are coming through of enterprising

Korean teens pimping their grandmothers out
for fucken beer money.

"Root my whinging lemon-faced nana

so I can get on the fucken piss."
-enterprising Korean teen.

"My grandmother is old as shit but the rooting's cheap" said one half pissfaced teen. "$50 and I'll take you around to her place and tell her to stop fucken crying for 5 fucken minutes for fucks sake it might be the last root she ever gets."

One slightly more somber bespectacled teen (pictured below, bottom right) wielded a placard with no photo as "my nana fucken died but I want in on the booze action so fuckit $50 for a dead root, I'll take you to the grave site and hold the fucken flashlight for ya. Fucken psycho-cocked wackjob ah fuck it make it $30"

Korean sign (bottom right) reading "Nana died but it wasn't THAT long ago so the rooting's probably still a go come on cunts pay up I need to get on the piss PAY NOW WHILE STOCKS LAST NO FUCKEN REFUNDS YA FUCKEN PSYCHO-COCKED FUCKHEAD."
Aug 25, 2017 10:53 AM
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Posts: 283
Nuremburg Barbie Defects to Mexico.

--NY Times--

Amidst the recent confusion swirling around the US due to the controversial nature of President Trump's governance, Nuremburg Barbie has quietly gone and defected to fuckin' Mexico.

"Hola, cunts."
--Nuremburg Barbie in sunny downtown Mexico.

The blonde-haired reptilian ex-advisor to President Trump tonight explained that "I just cannot afford to donate any more of my fucken hair to the Trumpster. I'm getting dangerously thin up there. Plus, the orange cunt's already fracked my pubes halfway to fucken Tijuana and back and gone and sewn the poor little cunts to the top of his fuckin head."

Upon being informed of the defection, President Trump immediately announced open auditions on the 25th floor of Trump Tower for the vacant position of Presidential Advisor which is "open to all chicks with blonde hair and big blonde frackable pubes."

Aug 25, 2017 11:08 PM
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Posts: 283
Local Idiot Loses Car Keys.

--NZ Herald--

A local idiot is believed to have lost his car keys. The incident occurred during daylight hours, possibly in a leafy suburban setting.

"I can't believe it. I had them in my hand. Got in the car, dropped the
kids off at soccer, hit an old lady, picked up some apples from the
supermarket, collected the kids and drove back here. Where the
hell did I put them?"

According to the idiots' wife, it's not the first time this has happened. "He also misplaced his keys 2 years ago" said the wife. "They were in the pocket of his other pants. I found them. To be honest, I am becoming increasingly concerned about my husbands memory lapses. To lose your keys once a year is understandable but twice in two years? I think I might have to book him in for an appointment with a registered ornithologist."

Related Articles:

Old Lady victim of vicious hit and run

Community mourns dead old lady.

Old lady remembered as "old".
Aug 25, 2017 11:28 PM
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 283
Ivanka Trump Buys Holocaust Memorial Wall To Use On Mexican Border.

--USA Today--

While visiting Berlin, Germany, the daughter of President Trump has today bought the entire Holocaust Memorial Wall with the intention of putting it to use on the U.S/Mexican border to "keep those little fucken Mexican wankers off of my Daddy's back yard."

"Very good. Looks solid enough. Those annoying little spic fucks

will never get through this cunt."

Ivanka went on to say, "I think it's wonderful, perhaps even fitting in a way, that I buy this wall from you, the Germans. You krauts did a fucken good job with
the Berlin Wall which I hear was in Germany. Also, I drive a Benz."

"Hahaha, very funny you old wankers, look, just show me how to
make more fucken wall with this shit and get on with it cunts."

Aug 25, 2017 11:36 PM
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Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 19
Finally, a news source I can thrust!
Aug 26, 2017 12:39 AM
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 283
Japan Prime Minister En Route to Pearl Harbour

--Japan Time--

Japan's Prime Minister Abe is reportedly already "en route" to Pearl Harbour for the first-ever visit by a Japanese Prime Minister. Mr Abe is however believed to be flying to the US Naval Base as the sole occupant of a Japanese WWII Mitsubishi Zero fighter plane.

"Don't panic cunts. The fucken guns've been

disabled ACK ACK ACK hahaha, just fuckin'
with ya."

Mr Abe has no previous experience piloting any aircraft of any sort.

"No worries if I can't stick the landing" laughed Abe. "I'll just kamikaze my shit in there. Just like old times. Should give the old seppo war hero codgers saluting their nuts off down there something to have a massive sook about hahahahah oops, there's the Naval base down there now OH FUCK I'M LOSING ALTITUDE HAHAHAHAHAHA..."
Aug 26, 2017 12:32 PM
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Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 273
America's Nazi's To Be Rounded Up And Fed To America's Fat Cunts.

--USA Today--

The United States' massive population of fat cunts are to be fed a new source of protein; American prime Nazis.

"Nazi ribs, nazi steak, nazi hot dogs, yes, we are going to use all of these nazi food sources to feed the overweight American people" proclaimed President Donald Trump. "And, get this, for the hot dogs, we're going to use the nazis' actual wieners. You know, friends, neighbours, countrymen, in all truth, the nazi's are my pals. And the nazis might say I'm throwing them under the bus here. However, we already have the nazi slaughterhouses and meat packing plants set up and ready to go and, economically speaking, and from a nutritional standpoint, it cannot be denied that nazis are a very good source of protein. Cannot be denied. Huge protein potential in Nazis. Huge. The nazi race say they are strong and proud and superior so, now, we are going to put their bold claims to the test. The taste test. My advisors have told me that all these kind of fat American citizens we have around here are a drain on national resources, sucking up billions and billions in healthcare money every year. And also breaking bus seats with their giant heinies. Nazi protein will toughen them up and make them less fat. I call this an economic final solution. I thought of that myself. Do you like it? Yeah? So sieg heil and auf wiedersehen goodnight to fat AND to nazis!"

When queried as to how he will actually carry out this audacious dietary plan, Trump replied "it'll be easy to round the nazis up. We saw them all on TV the other week at their peaceful free speech pep rally. They all showed their faces. Maybe they forgot their pillowcases? I don?t know. Either way, NSA facial recognition software, mini drone strikes to the kneecaps, yadda yadda, to cut a long story short, at the end of the day, the nazis are all going in the pot. Even though they're still my pals."

"Mummy! Mummy! I'm hungry for more nazi cock, mummy!"
"Mummy, mummy, look at me! Look at how many nazi cocks I can fit in my mouth at one time, mummy!"
Aug 28, 2017 11:34 PM
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 283
Japan To Publish Own Bible.

--Japan Times--

Japan, renowned for its insular & xenophobic ways, is said to have grown sick of the "gaijin bible" and is set to publish their own version of the all-time best-selling fantasy novel. "Foreigner bible is Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. It is 100% gaijin" lamented Japan's Minister for Upskirt Haberdashery, Dr Masahiro Sato.

"Matthew, Mark, Luke and John? Japan Bible is Momoko, Mari, Luna and Janet in their togs at seaside captured through Nikon XL.003 telephoto lens from 200 yards."
Dr Masahiro Sato.

"Old gaijin bible version from Roman days is little to no Japanese representation" continued Dr Sato. "Japan is not breaking bread and red wine parting sea. It is what the actual fuck. This is foreigner fantasy in foreigner land. Breaking bread? Japan national dish is scalded dolphin embryo delicately garnished with whale nits. Fuck bread. Besides, modern Japan today prophet is all 13-year old girl in togs, preferably with own series of high-gloss photobook. Preferably it is I want autographed copy. I have many such religious artifacts. It is like deep sea scrolls for chipmunk-speed masturbation. I wait in line for each new age parchment. I wait overnight. I take thermos. And sleeping bag. It is girl of youth that is worshipped idol of Japan, therefore religious deity. Not some gaijin sandal-wear hippie carpenter gaijin man. Japan faith today is stand in line to get high-culture artifact photobook autographed and ask for cute smile from religious deity and, for pre-arranged fee, and thrill of lifetime, possible personal photo opportunity. Keep the faith, Japan. Therefore, in good faith, after parliamentary deliberation, Japan bible is AKB48 photobook. It is unanimous choice and hastily rush bill through parliament and whip off home early for massive new testiclement Japan bible masturbation session."

"Fuck Moses, fuck Red Sea parting, Japan new biblical epoch is new season bikini testiclement cleavage parting in high-gloss 3-D."
-Dr Sato.
Sep 1, 2017 10:38 PM
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 283
Local Man Can't Find Eclipse.

--Korean Times--

A local man has been unable to locate the eclipse in the sky.

"Where the fuck is it? I can't see a fucking thing."

"Is it a solar eclipse or a lunar eclipse ahh fuck it what's the difference I still can't find the cunt" exclaimed the exasperated sky viewer to his assembled viewing party.

Sep 3, 2017 11:08 PM
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Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 23127
I open up Dawley threads, read them allowed to myself while scaring the neighbors with the number of piercing cunts coming out of my mouth, laugh a bunch, and close them in humbled awe. Have you won a Nobel Pulitzer yet? Call those cunts up
Sep 3, 2017 11:47 PM
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Posts: 283
Japanese Prince, Aged 11, Declares Himself "Ready" for Japan's Throne

--Japan Times--

Japan's Prince Hisahito, aged 11, and 3rd in line to the Japanese throne, has declared himself "ready" to be the next Emperor of Japan. "I've finished my homework and already had my first wank just last week. That means I'm ready for the Iron Throne. Plus I've seen all the nudie books down at 7-11. I know what the fuck I'm doing here."

"It's not incest if I fuck you up the arse is it?"
--The Prince (centre) walking with his sisters.

"First order of business will be getting myself a big fucking samurai sword to behead all of my wanker siblings" continued the Prince, safely out of earshot of his 2 sisters. "Cutting out the competition is crucial to ensure my reign is long and prosperous. After the public executions, next order of business will be to secure the last remaining Pokemon cards that I don't already have. I'll send some minion fuckhead serf door-to-door to make the required collections. After those 2 key strategic goals have been attained, the rest of my reign will be fairly straight-forward, my days mainly centred around fucking bitches and eating cake."

"That was awesome. Pretty much just like in the mags down at 7-11. Now then, let's head home, I can't wait to show you my big shiny samurai sword. It's just like my cock, that being, I've polished the fucken thing until it shines."
Sep 6, 2017 8:27 AM
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Posts: 283
Nuremburg Barbie Adjusting To Life In Mexico After Defection.

--NY Times--

President Trump's former right-wing I mean former right-hand confidante, Nuremburg Barbie, is said to be settling in well after defecting to fucken Mexico last month. She is now said to be almost fluent at speaking Mexican.

"Hola cunts, el diablo dildo mein conquistador el gash pubes fracking time."
--Nuremburg Barbie buying a loaf of bread in sunny sperm-stained downtown Mexico.

"Hola taco-faced cunt, mein Berlin wall spic hombre el paso burrito tortilla?"
--Nuremburg Barbie asking what time is the next bus to fucken Tijuana

"Hola mein sombrero el pubus memorandus Shell Oil Gulf of Mexico el gringo cunthead Pablo Escobar?"
--Nuremburg Barbie in the supermarket asking where the fucken Tabasco sauce is.
Sep 7, 2017 9:51 PM
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 35574
Sprague Dawley

taco-faced cunt

It's fine work you are doing, sir.
Sep 7, 2017 10:15 PM
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 283
Local Toff Makes Hair Offer


A local toff in Great Britain has offered a small child "50 quid" for her hair.

"What, all of my hair?
"No, no, just the back bits. And the top bits."

"Then, later on, I'll get your hair bits stapled to my own head" continued the local toff as the small girl's eyes started to well up with tears. "Come on shithead, whaddya say? You've got plenty of hair. It'll grow back one day. Look, here, I even brought my own bloody hair jars so let's get busy filling the bloody hair jars up with bloody hair."
Sep 9, 2017 10:50 PM
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Posts: 283
Young Prince Well-Versed In Military History

--Japan Today--

Japan's young Prince Hisahito, 3rd in line to Japan's Chrysanthemum Throne, has revealed
himself to be well-versed in his dynastic Royal family's imperial lineage. The young Prince
today celebrated his 11th birthday by making an impromptu historical presentation to his family.

"Each ball represents the head of an infidel strung up at The Hanging Tree after the
1854 Ming Cunt Uprising."

--Prince Hisahito, aged 11.

"The big squirrel over there by mum? He fucks the tree to ensure the infidels all get arse-fucked
in hell for all of eternity. Chinamen, crackers, gooks, the outspoken, the inbred, the jewites, the
cross-eyed, all them ugly fuckers who dared to stand up to our imperial dynasty..." continued
the young Prince, his voice now rising and cracking in nationalistic fervour, "...all strung up and
bled out. The souls of the Chinamen you ask? Their souls leached down, down, down through the
soil, down through bedrock, down, down, straight down eventually into hell. The howling wind at
night? That is simply the screams of dead chinamen, forever caged in hell as they are, screeching
imploringly for an atonement that shall never, ever, ever, EVER come to fucking pass Daddy can I
go outside and play now?
Sep 15, 2017 11:20 AM
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Posts: 283
Local Contracters to "Fix" Mt Everest's Eroded Hillary Step

--Wollongong Gazette--

The iconic Hillary Step, a rocky outcrop located at the very summit of Mt Everest, is believed to have disintegrated.
However, a group of local contracters have been enlisted to "fix" the problem. "Yeah, I'll send Trev up in the fucken
ute" said spokeswoman Aunty Doris Gunston. "No worries" said Mrs Gunston's nephew Trevor. "I'll biff some gib
board in the ute, bit of polyfilla, maybe even some formica board and nail that fucken shiny shit on all vertically
so it's slippery as all fuck for those millionaire wanker climbers hahaha"

The iconic Hillary Step in better days.

"Yeah should just take me the morning" continued Mr Gunston. "I'll be back in time for the footie on Saturday arvo."

"Gene ya c**t, which way to Mount fucken Hillary?
--Mr Trevor Gunston.

"Put some snow chains on the tyres first
ya ugly fucken retard. Safety fucken first."

--Aunty Doris.
Sep 17, 2017 10:02 AM
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Posts: 283
Govt Minister Spends Japan's Entire Pension Fund On Corrective Cock Surgery.
--Japan Times--

It has been revealed that a local government minister has recently spent Japan's entire pension fund on corrective cock surgery for himself and for his dog. "We both needed it" justified the Minister. "We were both born with crooked cocks. No dog and its master should suffer the pain of a lifetime together with identically crooked cocks."

"Minister, this receipt says you spent 300 billion yen on corrective cock surgery for you and your fucking dog? What the fuck?"
"Not entirely correct. The dog and I actually had a surgical procedure done to exchange cocks. His was slightly bigger."

The Minister has a history of wasteful spending. Last year he blew Japan's entire Road & Infrastructure budget on a hairpiece for his dog. The year before that, the annual pension fund allotment was all spent on a solid gold 5-storey shitting castle for the exclusive use of his dog.

"No, of course I did not spend all of the tax money on a hairpiece for myself. Don't be ridiculous. It was for the dog. He's a really great dog. The hairpiece perfectly complements the wonderfully straight cock. What the fuck is the problem here?"
Sep 19, 2017 8:07 AM
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Posts: 283
Trump Says Mexico Using Earthquake Rubble To Build His Wall.

--USA Today--

President Trump has instructed Mexico to use the rubble from today's earthquake to build his wall along the border of the U.S and Mexico.

"Put the big bits on the bottom of the wall. That's how walls work. I know a lot about walls. A lot."
-President Trump

"The wall already has its underlying structure" continued Trump. "My beautiful daughter Ivanka recently bought the Holocaust Wall off the Germans in Berlin so you know it's well made. Just like my daughter. Well made. Great lines. Great curves. Sweeping curves. Womanly curves. She's a woman. That much is sure."

"This Mexican contribution can only make the wall stronger" continued Trump. "As I always say, strong walls bring people together. Also, giving the wall a Mexican flavor means the Mexican people can be proud of the homegrown nature of their wall. Bullfighting, tacos and wall. This is the new Axis of Happiness for the Mexican people. This is a great day for Mexico. A great day."
Sep 20, 2017 12:00 AM
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Posts: 283
Australian Space Programme Reveal Objectives.


The Head of the Australian Space Programme, a Mr Trevor Gunston of Wollongong, has today revealed the objectives of the fledging multi-billion dollar programme.

Mr Trevor Gunston of Wollongong.
--Head of the Australian Space Programme.

"Yeah mate, first objective is to find the fucken dog. Having a squizz for the mangy cunt from the space ship satellite telescope would be the go I reckon. The fucken bastard went walkabout last week. Probably rolling around the neighbourhood rooting anything that moves. I know I would be if I could walk around naked rubbing my cock up against anything that took my fancy."

"Second objective is getting my useless brother Gene-o his first ever root" continued Mr Gunston. "No one on earth wants to fuck the bastard but maybe someone in space will hahaha"

"Trevor you fucken cu"

"Third objective is getting the space camera to have a perv thru the slat windows in the chicks bogs at the Redfern RSL. Especially on Friday nights when Raewyn is there in her halter top, pissed to the gills."

"Fourth objective is to get an accurate reading as to exactly how fast my fucken ute can really go. No technology on earth has been able to accurately measure it so far. Maybe the cunts in space will have better luck. Righto. There ya go mate. A multitude of objectives. 83.6 billion dollars of space technology well spent I reckon."

"For fucks sake, just too fast, can't get a reading, get the space station cunts on the blower."
Sep 27, 2017 12:30 PM
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